Sections

This past weekend, I attended the funeral for my paternal grandmother, who died a year and a half ago—don’t worry: this wasn’t a Walt-Disney-cryogenics thing. We had already buried her. It was more like a memorial service. Anyway, things got awkward when we realized that my father accidentally made lunch reservations for the whole Needleman clan at a Hell-themed restaurant (The place was called Dante’s Lounge. I wish I was kidding), but, overall, the whole episode really made me reflect on life. I want to reach out to people. There’s so much I want to say, but I never say it. But I figure now is as good a time as any. Here are the things I wish I could say, addressed to the people I wish I could say them to:

Libertarians: Why do all the frat boys I know identify as “Libertarian”? To me, “Libertarian” means “I mean, I like to get high and everything, but I still hate poor people.”

People Who Are Way Too Into Their Hometowns: Yeah, it’s lame that everyone in Massachusetts loves the Red Sox and you’re a Yankees fan, but, for God’s sake, shut up about it. If I hear one more Los Angeles transplant complain about how the burritos on the East Coast aren’t good enough because they weren’t made by a real live Mexican who narrowly escaped getting shot by a crazed border militia man, I’m going to scream.

Dave Eggers: It’s okay to call yourself “David.” No one’s going to think you’re not Gen-X enough.

Baby-Boomers: I know I complain about them a lot, but that’s because they suck. I dread the day these feather-wearing hippies turn 65 and I have to desperately try to make ends meet by sponging them off and listening to them ramble about how “the establishment” hated them for being “long-haired freaky people” and “sign, sign, everywhere a sign.”

Math: I hate math. My math education stopped at the tenth-grade level. Is that even legal? Great job, Pennsylvania Educational System.

Pet Peeves: I understand that this is the greatest of all ironies, but I hate people who are really adamant about their “pet peeves.” You know, when someone is like, “Hey, can you stop holding your umbrella like that? I’m sorry, it’s just one of my pet peeves.” No, champ, I’m not going to stop holding my umbrella like that because your “pet peeve” is totally irrational and stupid.

Television: Don’t get me wrong, I watch TV. But I really hate when people get all worked up about “Grey’s” or “The Office.” You’re getting emotionally invested in what is essentially a 30-minute commercial. Think about it.

Dogs: I like some dogs. But there are definitely dogs out there that I really don’t like—either because they smell or have some point jumped up on me. Whenever I don’t like one of my friend’s dogs, they will ask me why I’m not petting Waffles and I will have to lie and say I don’t like any dogs. Then they will look at me like I’m Hitler because I didn’t have the heart to admit that it’s personal.

Whew. That felt really good. I recommend you all go out and do it. Make every day count…or not.