Hazing, 'Deis-style

Horseradish

By Michael Sitzman, Columnist

I. No Justice For You

MOTHER: Hoishal! It's me, your stereotypical Jewish mother. You never called to say you left that job at that nice newspaper, The Judge, or something. Think of your resume! Do you want to end up a nickel-thrower at the Horn & Hardart? Why do you do this to me? I need this like I need a hole in the head...

II. So Igor To Please

IGOR PEDAN: Morning, Herschel. Glad you're on time for your first day of work. Nice tie too. Anyway, I've got two assignments for you: First, I'd like you to cover a debriefing for this Fall's orientation leaders, where they'll be planning next year's program. Second, there's a Women's Studies workshop for first-years, a forum for young women about men's attitudes. I know you'll do just fine on both. Go to it; don't let me down, kiddo!

III. Yid Think She'd Stop

MOTHER: So anyway, Hoishal, I stopped by the newspaper's office looking for you, and they said you'd left to woyk for that other little shmata of a newspaper. Vey iz mir; do you ever tell me these things? Does Macy's tell Gimbel's? Anyway, I got the phone numbers of some nice Jewish goyls there, and I promised you'd call them. Isn't that wonderful? Hoishal, what kind of goyl wouldn't want to marry such a handsome young bokher? Don't be shy; you're still my little nakhes.

IV. Folks, This One's A Kipa

RAFI FARBER: Hey, Justice Boy: Think you're all that, huh? Slummin' it, are you? Come to see how the other half lives? Well, you don't look so tough; bet you can't match my keyboarding and page-layout skills. I'll bet I can come up with more metaphors than you in five minutes; wanna find out, Justice Boy? And when I win, I'll knock that yarmulke right off your head and keep it. And no, I am NOT making that up. (Dude, did you really show up in a tie??)

V. Never Bennett Troublemaker Before

ALWINA: Good morning, Herschel; sit down, please. I just wanted to meet with you briefly. Some random first-year girl said you asked her to meet you in Sherman for dinner and she felt like you were "asking her out." Then you called her up just to say "Hi" and she felt intimidated. When you tried to apologize, she went to her mentor, who got her to file a complaint with campus police. You need to understand, Herschel, that women are easily intimidated nowadays...

VI. Your Hartz Been Broken

THAT RANDOM GIRL: Yes, officer, and when he did, he even made eye-contact! I feel so violated.

VII. Please, Anita Break!

PROF. HILL: I'm too upset to comment at this moment.

VIII. You Can Column What You Will

DAVE GORMAN: Congrats on your "promotion" to The Hoot! Can you say "comeuppance?" Hey, at least you're not as pathetic as that guy with the picture of himself and his dog; does he think it's, like, a chick-magnet or something? And don't give your column a lame name like Horseradish either; sounds like he's got weird phallic issues... Oh yeah, and smooth move with that first-year! Big scandal, dude; imagine if your mom found out you're a pervert...

MOTHER: Oy... Oy... Shanda...

IX. Holmes Where The Heart Is

KATIE HOLMES: [beep.] Hersh, it's me, your lifelong object of futile lust. Oh my God, that was, like, wicked funny. Got busted at the eye-contact stage? Alright, so now we know you're sketchy, but at least you're still working for a (sort-of) newspaper. No, really, it's all good; Hoot guys aren't so lame. You see, I'm, like, seeing one of your "coworkers" -- short guy and butt-ugly, but he's got this maaad cute dog. Gotta go; laterz. [beep.]

X. Freedom Of The Prez

JEHUDA: Hello, Brandeis! I've got nothing to do with what's going on here, but I just wanted to have the honor of appearing at least once in Horseradish ...Alwina did.

XI. Gewanter To Tell You?

BONNIE GEWANTER: Herschel, this little lady was in here before talking Yiddish and stuff, and she kept asking me and Lauren all these questions. Why's she so, like, interested in our last names? She said she'd be back later...

XII. Goes The Extra Moyl For You

MOTHER: Hoishal! Your stereotypical yiddishe mamele is here! Finally, I found you. You call this place an office? I see they call it Romper-Room (which, if I may say, young man, is fitting, given your recent juvenile antics). So I was talking to Doris at the mah-johng game -- you remember Doris; her brother fainted at your bris -- so she said I should have a more modern attitude about young people. And she's right! It's no shanda to like goyls. But just in case you should ever get foolish and go and shtup one, I went to the drugstore and bought you this box of, er, uh, Coney Island whitefish. (Oy vey...)

XIII. The Forced Amendment

MICHAEL SITZMAN: Folks, I guess I'm obliged to reveal that nobody actually said any of this (like, major duh), but I'll bet they would have. As for you, Herschel Hartz, you can consider yourself hazed. Welcome to The Hoot.

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