Our new Brandeis fight-song

Horseradish

By Michael Sitzman, Columnist

Dear Alma Mater, we shall e'er be true to you
And we'll uphold the honor of the white and blue!
And after ev'ry time a vict'ry we have won
We'll know our Brandeis pride is what has spurred us on!
So hear our rallying cry as we declare as one:
For dear old Brandeis, on to greater heights! Fight on!

We just don't know how to have fun, some folks may think
We've better things to do on weekends than to drink
And that is why our campus p'lice come 'round at one
And shut our parties down, lest we have too much fun
The underage who drink should best be on the run
Just drive 'em underground; the problem's solved! Fight on!

Official parties will be safer, it is hoped,
And then we'll never need fear being pinched or groped;
No student ever did endure a harsher plight!
'Tis better far to have a safe, teetotal night...
Lawsuits are not a match officials long to fight;
Whom are they really seeking to protect? ...that's right!

Accommodations are a scarcity, it's true
So when you're locked out, you should take the longer view:
Be glad you're stuck out in your boxers in the hall
Unlike the other guy who's got no room next Fall
For we all know the school's endowment's very small
Enough new rooms must wait (if they get built at all).

And as for parking, lest you be inclined to balk
Believe them when they say it's healthier to walk!
They're working on the problem, and we know they'll lick it
There's just no reason for us to protest or picket
The other day, why, even my car got a ticket!
What do you say, my friends? They know where they can stick it.

While education's rising cost leaves us need
(Even the cost of living's rise will it exceed)
Departments' budgets face an ever-shrinking purse
So we can local merchants' WhoCash reimburse
And you can rail, you can complain, and you can curse;
Stand by if you don't think it could get any worse.

They sing the praises of inclusiveness, no end
When you're an entering first-year, Gil is your best friend
But grads are given the cold shoulder, have you guessed
Ordered to leave the party, threatened with arrest
At 'Deis, diversity's hypocrisy at best
(Just ask Walaa; I wonder if he would attest.)

If you're impaired in learning, do not be afraid
Accommodations, as the law requires, are made
Why, at a school committed to equality,
Have I now lost three friends to disability?
All were thrown out the back-door, quick as one, two, three
And all were men; I say, that's quite an irony.

But never be convinced the struggle's done, my friends
The good fight must be fought; in fact, it never ends
So unprogressive is our school's regime, alas
But, as my grandmother once said, this too shall pass
'Til then, let's sing this fight-song loudly and en masse.
I say to this administration: Kiss my feet!

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Careful with the Horseradish; it's hot.

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