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The United States of America, the most powerful nation on earth, last week almost shut down the government because congressional Republicans were adamant that pap smears and cancer screenings should not be provided to women. The patriarchy, otherwise known as the Republican party, had wisely decided that it would be better for women to suffer, rather than spend $300 million, or less than one hundredth of one percent of the federal budget, on saving their lives. It is important that we realize that Title X spending, which is the budgetary term for Planned Parenthood spending, is not about abortion, as some Democrats tried to claim, but about the denial of health services to women that they don’t really need.

Instead of paying for breast cancer screenings as Democrats want, we should instead continue to keep massive tax breaks for oil companies as the Republicans have sagely suggested. Americans should vote for, and kiss the ring of the party that cares more about oil companies and Wall Street than citizens. Citizens do not drive economic growth; oil barons and Wall Street titans do, something all Americans must accept. Therefore, we as a nation should follow the Republican example of ensuring that public policy gives welfare to vital corporations, not undeserving single mothers working four jobs.

The budget battle that ensued last week finally illuminated the true and honorable nature of the Tea Party movement. They have shown that their talk of fiscal conservatism is just a cover to hide their real intentions. They want to return society to a past era, where men were men and women shut their mouths. Women’s health isn’t a real issue, and the Tea Party-infused Republican Party is helping the nation see the light. The Republicans and the Tea Party are fighting for a society where women are put back in the place nature intended, barefoot and pregnant with a man controlling them, or starving on the street selling their bodies. While the honorable men of the Republican Party failed in their quest to deny women the rights they obviously don’t deserve because of Democratic “feminazi” obstruction, next time we should pray that they succeed in their holy crusade against the gender of Eve. We as Americans should all support such a noble cause, and hope that the next time the government ceases to function that women will pay the price—the price that God and the Tea Party demand as payback for Eve’s foolish decision millennia ago.