Sections

Many members of the Brandeis community approached me last week asking for forgiveness, with the dramatic day of Yom Kippur coming on the horizon. For my non-Jewish friends in the audience, this is the time where we are supposed to ask for forgiveness for all of our awful sins from G-d (including my lust for Katie Holmes) and each other (including Katie Holmes. Yes, Katie, I am sorry for stalking you).
But that brings up a good point. What exactly does one say to someone who pleads and begs for forgiveness? Who is going to say no? You sit there and think, Hmmmwhat drugs is this person on? And the answer is, Sure. Of course Ill forgive you! when in reality, all you are thinking is, Just go away!
Who really is going to have the nerve and gall to say No, I dont forgive you!? Jeez, that person must be an incredibly selfish and rude person. And that person is, well, me.

I dont do well with this superficial Oh please forgive me! crap. Okay dear? If you were sorry about something that you did to me in the past, you would have said it then, not now!

As such, if you did anything to me this year, I refuse to forgive you. Ask me once, twice, seventy-two times, the mercy aint there buddy. If my love life is in the pit, mercy me, I mustnt acquit (It sounded a lot better in my head).

While all of you were running to seek my forgiveness faster than Brandeis girls chase free chocolate, here is what I would like to say to the entire Brandeis community on this matter:

I hope and pray that all of you can forgive me for bashing the Brandeis community, speaking behind all of your backs so many times during the year (especially behind the backs of all these people: Jehuda Reinharz, Jonathan Cohen, Rachel Cohen, the whole slew of other people with the last name of Cohen, Jamie Wolf, Ryan Enfune, and my ex-girlfriend), telling stories about my love for freshman girls, peeing on my professor who gave me a B+, and, of course, my mother. Mom, I love you dearly. Without you, I would not need two psychiatrists to talk about my social problems.

But I hope you all realize that if I did any bad things to any of you, it is important to know that I meant all of it.

What if?

There are many questions amongst students about what will happen with our beloved but old and run-down Ridgewood. I have this suggestion:

In one tiny corner of Ridgewood, build a really tall building to house 399 students. It will be really run-down, the rooms for each person will be really cramped, and the number of fire code violations in the building will be humongous! If you think forced triples and the rest of Brandeis housing was bad, you should wait and see what I have in store for all of you in Ridgewood!

But why do I propose this plan? And what would I do with the rest of the space that currently is Ridgewood?

Well, my friends, I would take the rest of the space and build a huge white mansion. It would be called Herschels Pimpin Player Mansion. I would have a fountain in the front, a huge driveway filled with chrome-wheeled SUVs, huge speakers blasting the latest hip-hop of the day like Snoop Dawg, and constant rap-video type parties. It would certainly add to the social life, since there would be a party there every night.
At every party, I would wear fine attire made up of a pink bathrobe with my engraved initials, big Gucci glasses, a fancy wine cup that I would carry with me all the time, a big golden tooth, and, of course, my walking stick. It could also help with the housing in East, since all the freshmen girls could then house it up with me and the personal spa that will be built, including a brand new jacuzzi.

Of course, you guys would complain. I would sit and laugh with hot girls in our jacuzzi, as I watch all of you use your outdoor facilities, since the new Ridgewood will not have indoor plumbing.

But hey, why you all gotta be player haters? My life aint easy.

New Section: Flashbacks from Herschels Childhood
Scene: My 18th Surprise Birthday Party
Lauri Hartz approaches the microphone with 120 people looking on.
Mother: Hello everybody, I am Hoishals mother. Have a good time at the party but remember, there will be no smoking marijuana on the premises of this party!
Herschel: Mommy!.
Mother: Hoishal! Dont embarrass me in front of your idiot friends who take drugs!
And now you all know the real reason why I love Brandeis so much: No nagging mother.